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Compared to our swipe-right dating scene and all the totally NSFW shows on TV (looking at you, The Affair), your own sex life can seem as bland as a saltine cracker.
You’re just not quite as 4K as what’s on the screen — and that’s absolutely fine.
While you should never get wild just because pop culture tells you to, there’s nothing wrong with getting creative in the bedroom.
“Research suggests that openness and spontaneity will lead to a lasting relationship,” said the late Kat Van Kirk, Ph.D., a former sex therapist and the author of The Married Sex Solution. “Don’t get caught up in judgments in your own head.”
And as you get used to talking candidly with your partner(s) about what you want to do (and what you’ve already done), it only gets easier. “A lot of partners really like empowered partners,” she said. “That exchange builds communication and respect.”
So, go ahead and be adventurous. After all, it’s sex play — emphasis on play. Here are a few tips to get you started.
All the experts we spoke with agreed that if you’re having trouble broaching the subject, you can let a movie, piece of erotica literature, or even a sexy song inspire you.
Jane Greer, Ph.D., a marriage and sex therapist, and author of What About Me? Stop Selfishness From Ruining Your Relationship, suggests broaching the topic with I was reading this in an article or I saw this on TV.
“Say, ‘Is there anything that you’ve always wanted to try?’ or ‘We’ll each get to pick one thing,’” says Logan Levkoff, Ph.D., sexologist and member of the Trojan™ Sexual Health Advisory Council. “You’ll get a little variety, and you get to see what someone else wants to try.”
One of the easiest things to incorporate is a lube. Usually water- or silicone-based, lubricants help everything feel more slippery.
“Water-based lubes are easy to clean up because the main element is water,” Levkoff says. They’re also usually cheaper than other kinds. The one drawback? Water-based lubes dry up faster than silicone-based lubes, which are thicker and tend to last longer.
“So, if you are engaging in water-based sex, such as getting it on in the shower, you’re going to want something that doesn’t wash off,” she says. “Or if you’re having anal sex, where lubricant is going to be important consistently, silicone-based lubricants can be a good option.”
Lubes come in a variety of flavors and sensations (think hot or cold), but it’s really all about personal preference.
One thing you should probably avoid? Anything with oil — including coconut oil or whatever else you’ve got in the kitchen. “I would never recommend anything genitally that isn’t designed to be used genitally,” Levkoff says.
Plus, oils erode latex (the material most condoms are made from). No bueno.
If you’ve already used lube, you’re not alone. About 65 percent of women reported that they’d used lube before,
Give Trojan™ Lubricants H20 Closer™ a shot. The advanced water-based formula enhances your experience without getting in the way — or creating a sticky mess — allowing you and your partner(s) to feel closer.
Gwyneth Paltrow would have you believe that you need a $15,000 gold-plated vibrator (you don’t). But there are way more accessible options out there.
“If you’re in a drugstore, you can try a vibrating cock ring,” Levkoff says. Vibrating rings fit over the penis and are safe to use with condoms.
“A lot of penis-owners end up really liking [vibrating] rings,” Van Kirk said. “And because they vibrate, you’re going to have clitoral stimulation, so no matter what position you’re in, everyone’s a winner. It’s not about one person or the other.”
No penis in the mix? No problem! Vibrating rings don’t have to be used genitally — they can also double as a massager, Levkoff says. Now that’s versatile (although they may draw the line at electric toothbrush).
While it can be exciting to introduce something new, you don’t need a toy to crank up the heat.
“It doesn’t have to be about bringing things into the bedroom,” Levkoff says. “It could be about changing the location. It could be pornography or an erotic book. It could be making the greatest playlist of songs that really turn you on — and two songs in, who knows what can happen?”
“If you read erotic lit or watch porn, you might find a phrase that makes you say, ‘That’s kinda hot,’” Van Kirk said. “Put it in your phone, write it down, whatever you need so you don’t forget. Start getting a script together.”
The main thing, Van Kirk said, is “you don’t want it to get too complicated.” She suggested aiming for one or two phrases that you feel comfortable saying, and trying those out first.
If talking seems like too much, “just start verbalizing during sex,” Van Kirk said. “Groans and moans — that sound response helps to get people used to using their voices during sex.”
Bonus: It also lets your partner(s) know they’re doing a good job.
This one should hopefully be a no-brainer, but consent is key anytime you start pushing bedroom boundaries.
“If you’re into any kind of fantasy play or verbalizing play that involves saying stop, you need an option to actually stop play,” Van Kirk said. Simply put: You need a safe word. Even if you’re not into bondage or discipline, you may still need a way to let your partner(s) know it’s time to call it quits.
And if your partner(s) brings up something you’re just not into? Greer suggests saying, “I appreciate your fantasy, and I’d be willing to explore it with you by talking about it. But for now, that’s not something I’d be comfortable trying.”
By keeping it about your own discomfort, Greer says, you’re letting your partner(s) know there’s nothing wrong and no need to feel guilty or ashamed about bringing something up.
Sexual activity without consent
If a partner(s) refuses to stop when you ask them, initiates sexual contact without consent, or becomes physically or emotionally aggressive when you say no, you have experienced sexual assault.
If this happens to you, account for your physical safety first by leaving the premises, then contact 911, if that’s possible.
We’ve compiled a guide for people who’ve gone through sexual assault with the next steps you should take, organizations that can help, and crisis counseling contacts.
At the end of the day, it’s about what’s comfortable and pleasurable for you and your partner(s).
“There’s no way to be ‘advanced’ at having sex,” says Levkoff. “If you and a partner have sex in the same exact way every time, and it’s fun and fulfilling, then it’s kay.”
(And remember, research suggests that most couples have sex for an average of slightly more than 5 minutes — not a lot of time for boot-knocking creativity.)
Most importantly, don’t agree to try something new just to avoid a breakup.
“Whatever you’re exploring should be done in the context of enhancing your relationship — building on what you already have,” says Greer.
Relationships change over time, as well — what turns you on at the beginning may not do so at the end. So, while you might want to try new things, you shouldn’t feel undue pressure to reinvent the wheel every month.