Whether you’re a seasoned pro who continuously breaks cardio bests or a hopeless idealist who maintains a gym membership but doesn’t exactly always (read: ever) show up, the new year provides us all with the same opportunity: the potential to build the body we've always wanted. That can mean either getting healthier and stronger or acquiring the sort of muscles that would make Wonder Woman think twice about messing with you. We tend to enter the year with a ferocious optimism that some might even call naive. But whatever, those people will never get hench with an attitude like that, right?
Those of us who do have that shiny, new year optimism, however, are most certainly destined to get harder, better, faster, and stronger. And all within the first fortnight of the new year, too, right? Totally achievable. We're not setting ourselves up for disappointment, like, at all.
1. It’s a new year, so you know what that means...
That’s right, guys. This the year I am getting seriously buff.
2. You’ve eaten your pre-gym snack and you’re so ready to get shredded.
This gym should basically pay you to be a member, amiright?
3. Even if your first post-holidays workout isn’t quite as successful as expected...
Blame it on that weak pre-gym snack you ate. Next time, you're gonna eat pure steel.
4. But still, you're ready to kick straight butt in your gym's basic fitness classes.
I've got this. I use more muscles shaking the vending machine down for a protein bar. Bring it on.
5. And you maybe kinda accidentally set some almost-impossible goals for yourself.
Basically, if you can't scale a building without breaking a sweat within the next seven days, then you've decided that you're clearly not working hard enough.
6. Your pre-workout routine basically involves imagining yourself having the best time ever working out.
Just pure, effortless joy. Right? Sure! That's totally going to happen! Always!
7. And you're going to look super attractive the whole time... of course.
Like you breezed in to do this routine and look amazing.
8. And of course, you’ll also be confident and glamorous the entire time.
You definitely won't fall over halfway through a basic step routine like you did way back in December. Nope. People will look at you and wonder, Damn. What’s their secret?
9. And yeah, maybe the reality will turn out to be a whole lot different.
OK, yeah, maybe it turns out that actually pushing yourself more physically isn't nearly as delightful, glamorous, or effortless as you desperately tried to convince yourself it would be.
10. But you also know that starting small can lead to big changes.
Sure, you’re lifting feathers today, but a few months down the line you could be lifting whole damn cars!
11. And though you might not be getting as instantly ripped as you had psyched yourself up for, you feel great.
Dude, my mental-abs are so hench right now.
12. And you're learning to appreciate your body more and everything it can achieve.
Even if you aren’t immediately at the level that you thought you would be, you've got a right to pause and be happy with yourself.
13. To be honest, you feel pretty buff just for trying.
Is this enough for the year now? Can we all just retire back to the couch and admire ourselves from there? Damn.
Amy Roberts is a freelance writer, blogger, and musician based in Liverpool, UK. She’s the co-founder of the irreverent pop culture blog and podcast Clarissa Explains F*ck All and the bassist for d-beat punk band Aüralskit. She’s currently working on her first novel and slowly completing her debut poetry collection. Follow her on Twitter and Instagram.