Love may be universal, but it’s hardly the same for everyone — whether it’s the difference between romantic and platonic love or the love you feel for your pup versus the love you feel for your best (human) friend.
Even within romantic relationships, love feels very different from the sparks of the early days to years down the road, when your partner feels more like a comfy pair of pajamas than a steamy blur of lace and passion.
Researchers have studied whether people could consciously adapt how much love they felt to either get over a break up or reignite feelings that had gone dull with time.
According to this 2016 study, results were mixed, but there’s evidence we can regulate feelings of love — specifically infatuation and attachment — through practicing love languages.
A love language is the way you express affection for people you love and the way you want them to express affection for you.
Here’s how you can figure out what your love language is and how to use it to level up in relationships (even with yourself!).
Marriage counselor Gary Chapman defined the concept of love languages in his 1992 book, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts.
People usually have one primary love language (the thing that will make them feel special most of the time). And many people have one or two secondary love languages that are less intense, but still important to be aware of.
|Love language||What it means||Communication hits||Communication misses|
|words of affirmation||You appreciate compliments, encouragement, and supportive words.||They make statements like “I appreciate how much effort you put into planning this trip for us;” “You look adorable today;” or “I love how compassionate you are.”||They give insincere or disinterested compliments, assume you know that they love, appreciate, or are attracted to you without showing it.|
|quality time||You want your partner to set aside time to give you their undivided attention.||They stow the phone during meals or important conversations and join an activities you enjoy just to spend more time together.||They leave the room when you put your favorite show on, and fail to plan dates or weekends with your interests in mind.|
|receiving gifts||You feel loved when someone gives you thoughtful gifts, big or small.||Forget practical, popular, and pricey: they keep an eye out for little things that will make you feel special on any random day. They leave you little notes, pick up your favorite muffin from the bakery, surprise you with a new book on a Tuesday afternoon, etc.||They pick up last-minute gifts that don’t take much thought. They fail to put the time into finding out what you like.|
|acts of service||You want your partner to express love by doing you favors or handling chores and errands you don’t have time for.||They notice you’re swamped and take one thing off your plate (washing dishes, stopping by the post office, calling the plumber) without being asked.||You ask for help and they forget or begrudgingly comply. They get annoyed because you’re not taking care of everything yourself.|
|physical touch||Cuddles, kisses, hugs, and all that touchy-feely stuff makes you happy.||They start and end the day with a kiss, hug you when you get off work, hold your hand, or rub your neck while you watch tv.||They don’t offer to give you a massage when you’re extra stressed, pull away from affection, or don’t seem interested.|
If you need a little help identifying your love language, picking up Chapman’s book or talking to a counselor could help. But online quizzes are a popular and easy way to identify what love languages you and your partner speak. Try one of these:
- The 5 Love Languages. Quizzes for couples and singles. You can also take quizzes to learn how to best express anger and apologize.
- There Are Five Different Love Languages — What’s Yours? The O.G. online quizmaster, Buzzfeed attempts to find your love language with 6 simple questions.
- What Is Your Love Language? This short quiz comes from Stop the Hurt, an organization serving victims of abuse and helping people build healthy relationships.
The good thing about finding out your love language is you can move forward into any future relationship with the knowledge.
While you may shift between responding to your primary and secondary love languages at times, they’re part of your personality, which means they won’t change dramatically once you’ve matured.
Love language awareness is useful for uncoupled folks too. If you know what you need to feel loved, you can practice your “love talk” on yourself.
Pick yourself a flower on your morning walk, try a weighted blanket or massager for the feeling of human touch, or outsource a dreaded chore to give yourself a break.
When you do get involved with someone again, you’ll be an expert at communicating your love language and needs. Another bonus: Understanding love languages and practicing them solo will make you an awesome partner for the next person you date.
How do you apply your knowledge of love languages to taking good care of your partner? Maybe they already know their love language and will make it easy for you by telling you how to speak it. If not, start with a quiz and a conversation. You’ll learn a lot about each other by figuring it out together.
If you have different love languages, don’t launch into your breakup speech just yet! People don’t have to be alike to be compatible. Being in a relationship is about compromise and making the effort to be a good partner.
Let your love know how they can speak your language so you feel appreciated, and show them you care enough to speak their love language as well. Maybe it’s not your favorite thing to watch climate change documentaries on date night, but if she’s into that and her love language is quality time, it might be worth the effort.
During the honeymoon phase of relationships, couples are likely hitting all of the love languages (putting your best foot forward), but over time, you settle into expressing your primary one. If you and your partner don’t match, the relationship may start to feel unsatisfying.
That doesn’t mean you scrap it and log onto Tinder! Take time to refresh each other on your love languages to keep the romance alive. Even if your primary love language isn’t words of affirmation, verbal communication is key to helping your partner know what you need.
And, be willing to adapt your own behavior to help your partner feel loved as well. Love is just as much about choice as it is a feeling.