If you’re insecure about your sex life, you’re not alone. Sex is a very sensitive topic for a lot of people, and it’s impossible to feel sexy 24/7. But a few simple tweaks to your mindset and some practical tips can help you feel more confident and comfortable in bed.
For a lot of folks, feeling sexy is easier said than done. But regaining – and maintaining – your sexy swagger is totally doable. There are lots of simple changes that can make you feel like the sexy beast you truly are!
Here are 20 ways to help you feel sexier and more confident in bed.
These 20 tips can help you feel sexy and confident in bed:
- Reduce your stress
- Groom for success
- Make your skin more touchable
- Fuel your body
- Dress to undress
- Love yourself first
- Normalize talking about sex
- Ask your partner what turns them on
- Listen to nonverbal cues
- Tell your partner what turns you on
- Make a sexy playlist
- Play around with positions and rhythms
- Try new roles and sexual dynamics
- Switch locations
- Use toys, props, and lubes
- Don’t forget foreplay
- Rethink sex
- Don’t focus on orgasms
- Accept that your sex life changes
The best part about these tips is that they’re aimed at literally everyone. Single, married, other. Any sexual orientation, any gender. Any budget or any kink. If you have kids or not.
Without further ado, let’s dive into the sexy deets.
Reduce stress to increase your libido
Nothing kills your libido faster than stress. The stuff that keeps you up at night will also pour a bucket of ice water on your sex drive. Past trauma can also decrease your desire. So do what you can to decrease your stress levels and take care of your mental health. Even some simple techniques can help you chill out.
Groom for success
Some people love a bush. Some people prefer a smooth landing. Either way, choose your body hair and go for it. Even if it sounds kind of silly, think of it as if you’re buying an outfit for a job interview but in reverse. What amount of body hair will make you feel most confident when you’re in the buff?
Make your skin more touchable
Get into a practice of pampering your skin like a new car in the showroom, just begging to be touched. Clean, radiant, smelling good (like a new car, if we’re gonna stick to that metaphor). Once the clothes are off, skin-to-skin is where the action is at.
Fuel your body
Fill up on foods that increase your desire. Believe it or not, there are plenty of yummies that will keep you in a shagging mood. At the same time, avoid foods that will kill the mood, like fart-inducers (we’re looking at you, broccoli), too much booze, fried foods, or caffeine.
Flexibility sure comes in handy while rolling in the hay, but regular exercise has a bunch of other benefits that will boost your confidence and your libido. Physical activity lowers your risk of chronic diseases like:
- type 2 diabetes
- heart disease
- certain cancers
All of the above conditions can lower your sex drive and affect the quality of your sex life.
Bonus: Exercise also helps to improve erectile dysfunction and offset some of the sexual side effects of some antidepressant medications in women.
Dress to undress
It might be tempting to grab those Spanx on date night. But what happens when you’re ready to seal the deal and you’re wriggling around on the floor trying to yank those puppies off? Opt for clothes that serve the dual purpose of making you feel comfortable and confident while also being easy to chuck off in a hurry.
Better yet, throw some insanely hot intimates under your normie outerwear to conjure up your dirty little secret.
Love yourself first
As Bieber says, “You should go and love yourself.” Well, Ed Sheeran wrote it but Bieber sang it. We’ll talk about this more in a bit, but it’s important to know what turns you on. A good way to figure that out is to take some time to masturbate with the simple intention of learning what gets you hot.
And hey, don’t even worry about the climax. Just play with your body, let your imagination go, and see how your body responds. This solo exploration can also boost your mood and self-esteem which is what these tips are all about.
Normalize talking about sex
While you’re handling your side of the street, start the sexual connection with your partner by simply talking about sex. For many people, this can be an awkward conversation. There might be some giggles, shame, or even angry dismissal, especially if you’ve been in a long-term committed relationship that has hit a sexual dry spell. But there’s nothing more important to your sex life than communication.
Keep it light, keep it loving, and keep it out of the bedroom. Don’t talk about sex right after the act when your hormones are all over the place. Pick a time and place that are mundane and calm. Talk to your partner without a hint of resentment, shame, or anger.
Ask your partner what turns them on
What’s the best way to figure out what makes your partner hot? Ask them. Be direct or make it a game. What sex acts are they open to trying? If any of their answers surprise you, try to express your surprise as a delightfulsurprise instead of a judgemental surprise. For bonus hotness points, maintain eye contact during this dirty quiz. Damn, that’s confident.
Now that you know what they want, you can put those preferences into practice. Do unto others as they want to be done to them. This is what they call the Platinum Rule which is better than the Golden Rule. A generous lover is a hot lover.
Listen to nonverbal cues
There are other ways to learn what makes your partner writhe in ecstasy. Simply notice when they writhe in ecstasy. Oh, that’s the spot. Nonverbal cues can be easy to miss, so stay as relaxed and mindful as you can when you’re doing the no-pants dance.
Even kissing gives you a bunch of nonverbal cues. Are they a nibbler? Are they a lip sucker? Are they a gentle kisser? Work your way around each other’s bodies and pay attention. When do their cheeks flush? What exactly are you doing when you hear their breath shorten? Remember, those hips don’t lie.
Tell your partner what turns you on
All this giving is good, but you want to be on the receiving end of this pleasure, too. It’s important to remember to communicate your needs and desires to your partner. The masturbatory exploration we mentioned early comes in handy here as a sort of user guide to what you’ve discovered about your own body.
If the communication lines are open, then it’s even easier to trust that your partner wants to make you a priority, too. Resentments can easily pile up if you feel like your sexual needs aren’t being met. But remember, your partner isn’t a mind reader.
Make a sexy playlist
To help things get steamier, create a sexy playlist together. But beware! Making a bow-chicka-wow-wow soundscape without your partner’s input can be an easy way to turn them off. If you include a song that accidentally reminds them of someone else… welp. Game over.
Instead, try to collaborate on a playlist, and do it somewhere outside the bedroom so that you build up some giddy anticipation. Line up songs that have meaning for both of you or remind you of shared experiences. Like personal sexual kinks, any genre of music is fair game if you’re both on board. Chillwave lo-fi? Musical theater? Thrash metal? Anything goes if it gets you relaxed and connected.
Play around with positions and rhythms
There are plenty of sexual positions to choose from. If you find that you and your partner are stuck in a rut when it comes to creatively fitting your bodies together, change it up. Slow down, back up, and talk about some options. The dry spell might be the result of self-consciousness, stress, low self-esteem, or boredom. So it’s best not to push your partner into new territory.
You could start to ease your way out of sexual ennui by simply changing the rhythms. If you’re listening to each other’s bodies, you’ll be like dance partners who suddenly change tempo with the song. Once you try a new tempo, a segue into a new position will feel less like a leap. Again, all your prep with your personal body confidence will help you forge ahead into sexual adventurousness.
Try new roles and sexual dynamics
If you’re looking to spice things up even more, try to mimic the thrill of newness by literally becoming a new lover for your partner. This doesn’t necessarily mean that you’ll put on a wig and start referring to yourself as your Dungeons and Dragons character. Roleplaying might simply mean trying a new power dynamic
If you find that you’re usually not the person to initiate sex, try being the boss of this session. If you find that you’re usually into rough-and-tumble sex, slow things down with a strip tease or some edging. The element of surprise goes a long way in rekindling flickering embers.
Guess what? The bedroom isn’t the only place to get lucky. If you live in a loft, the whole place is a bedroom. If you have a guest house, that could easily become your own sex AirBnB. Secluded backyards will do just fine, too. Changing your sex scenery can help inject a sense of novelty and excitement into the mix.
Use toys, props, and lubes
The great thing about us humans is that we invented a lot of helpful things. Go ahead and grab some sex toys or some lube to help heat things up in bed. Watching porn with your partner can also be a great way to work through self-consciousness and even come up with some ideas about what to try together.
Don’t forget foreplay
Speaking of trying things together, literally anything that connects you and your partner can be considered foreplay. If you have the time to set the mood and make out for a while, great. But it can be hard to find time to have a long sex sesh. If time is tight, enjoy little moments that convey to your partner that you’re really into them.
Maybe doing the dishes for someone who is stressed out and overwhelmed can be considered foreplay. Gently complimenting your partner’s tenacity at work or their awesome hair can be pretty damn sexy to someone who needs a little TLC. A quick kiss to the back of the neck as you pass each other in the kitchen is a bookmark for a later tryst.
Knowing each other’s love languages is a great way to set your intentions toward a connected sex life. Adjust your mindset to think of sex and sexuality as something beyond the bedroom. Any kind of intimacy, any kind of connection will help your sex life.
Sex can be way more than just penetration. Just as anything can be foreplay, anything can be sex if it turns you on. Embrace a broader definition of sex to help change your expectations and lower the pressure.
If you’re worried that you can’t perform, ask yourself “Perform at what exactly?” Performance anxiety is common. We’ve walked through a lot of helpful tips to help you try to find more confidence. But sometimes the most effective way to get better at the game is to simply redefine the game.
Don’t focus on orgasms
The old “I’ll have what she’s having” moment looms large. In a bad way. An orgasm is not the end-all-be-all. Sex can be super enjoyable from foreplay to pillow talk, regardless of whether or not you have an orgasm.
If you hold up the orgasm as the big prize, you’re setting yourself up for potentially more performance anxiety and relationship stress. When the orgasm is like the ribbon across the finish line, it can be difficult if one partner has an orgasm and the other doesn’t. Again, don’t play that game. Be on a journey of discovery and mutual pleasure. Enjoy the ride. An orgasm is a byproduct of that connection.
Accept that your sex life will change
Just like the rest of your life, your sex drive will constantly change. And so will your partner. Aging, health, stress, and many other circumstances affect your libido. With all that uncertainty, it’s almost impossible to line up your level of desire with your partner’s. One of you will always be more interested in sex than the other.
One last powerful tweak to your sexual mindset is to accept the ebb and flow of your sex life. There are dry spells. There are monsoon seasons. All natural, all good. New partners take time to sync up sexually. Longtime partners need patience, trust, bravery, and open communication to help each make sex work in the ways they want it to work. If you’re doing everything you can to make it rain, trust that it will.
To feel confident while knocking boots, it’s important to feel confident about yourself. Eating healthy foods and getting some exercise will not only help your sexual performance, but it will also help you take pride in your bod. Everything from grooming your body hair to wearing clothes that feel sumptuous to listening to music that lowers stress can help you feel comfier in your skin and ease you into a sexier mood.
As you and your partner move to the next level of sensational sex, stay open to changing your expectations and preferences as your libido ebbs and flows. Quick, slow, hard, soft, deep penetration, cuddling only… There are a vast array of sexual experiences on the menu so take your sweet time to explore them. Have fun!