You read that right. Penis waxing. You hear that sound? That’s the sound of all the folks with trouser snakes collectively wincing.

How do you wax a penis? Is it healthy to get a penis wax? Has anyone in the history of the world agreed to a penis wax while sober? Join us as we rip off the pad of hearsay and reveal the curly pubic hairs of truth clinging to its waxy underbelly.

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That’s up to you, since it’s your penis. We can’t tell you what to do with it.

Except we can, and we’re going to.

Don’t wax your own penis unless you’re a professional… penis waxing person? We don’t know what the official job title is, but we do know you should probably go and see one of those people instead of trying to DIY hot wax on your dingle-dangle.

If waxing isn’t done the right way, it can be much more painful. You’re putting hot liquid on your skin, after all. Best leave it to somebody who’s trained for it. That way, if it goes wrong, at least you can sue them and get a sweet new TV out of the whole fiasco.

If it’s done right, there’s no real reason to avoid a penis wax. Let’s cut to the chase since 99 percent of you are wondering: No, waxing your penis can’t make it fall off.

But if you’ve got sensitive skin or have any concerns, speak with your doctor first. It’s better to be safe than sorry, especially since you only get one penis (unless you’re Johnny Eight-Penises, but screw that guy and his cephalopod-looking dangly parts).

You don’t need to wax your penis unless the hairs are making you uncomfortable. Penises grow hairs on them (more as you get older too). There’s nothing wrong — it’s just your penis being a penis.

So, how often do people get their penises waxed?

We don’t have an exact answer for you. Surprisingly, there are no credible organizations auditing male genital waxing habits — for balls or shaft — in the United States.

We do know that more men* each year are interested in a zero-wind-resistance genital area. According to a 2018 study in the United Kingdom, 57 percent of men had taken a razor, cream, or some kind of wax to their pubic region (compared with just 40 percent in 2016).

Sad times all around, though, because this study focuses on general male body hair habits. It breaks down stats according to geography and body region but doesn’t specify how many people opted for wax as their preferred penile ensmoothening method. It also doesn’t clarify how many of the pube-smoothers include their shaft.

The study is a good indicator that more men than ever are interested in going hair-free below the waistline, but it doesn’t offer any concrete penis waxing data. There’s just not much research out there yet.

So, yeah. We don’t know how much penis waxing is going on, but we do know it’s more common than it used to be. Folks who do it regularly and want to stay smooth need to relive the experience about every 4 weeks.

*Unfortunately, there’s been no data collected yet for betesticled folks who don’t identify as men.

tl;dr: Yes, LOL. Getting your penis waxed hurts.

Listen, if you haven’t had anything waxed before, sit down. Take notes. That sh*t stings like a brotherchuckler.

You’ve seen the scene in “The 40-Year-Old Virgin” where Steve Carell gets his chest waxed, yes? His cries of pain were genuine (oh, yeah, they legit waxed Steve Carell’s Sasquatch chest instead of using fake hair or a hairy stuntman).

Now, granted, Steve Carell had enough chest hair to knit a neck-scarf for a giraffe. Waxing hurts more when more hair is being pulled away. Typically, penises don’t have as much hair on them as Steve Carell’s furry nipples did.

Do you know what penises do have, though? Nerve endings. Loads of f*cking nerve endings (more than 4,000 in the head/tip alone). That’s why it can feel good when you put your penis in stuff.

Unfortunately, the same nerves that make you do happy moans also make you do ouchy ones. Penises are sensitive pieces of equipment. Ripping out your shaft pubes gets a lot of synapses firing, especially if you don’t know what you’re doing.

You may be thinking, “Yeah, you know what? Penis waxing ain’t it.” But you might also still want less hair on your disco stick. There are some other options available:

  • Plucking. You can just pull the hairs out one by one. Plucking versus waxing is a debate that will last until the end of time. They both hurt and leave you with a smooth penis. Which one you find easier depends on whether you’re a peel-the-bandage-off-slowly or rip-it-off-quick person.
  • Sugaring. Sugaring is like waxing but with a warm sugar solution instead of hot wax. Folks who do it say it’s less irritating on the skin and needs to be done only every 6 weeks. Also, it makes your penis taste like a lollipop. Maybe.
  • Shaving. You can also shave the hairs off. Some folks don’t like shaving their penises, though, because it can leave a rash (and holding a blade anywhere near your gonads is a bit scary).
  • Cream. This includes depilatories, which are hair removal creams. Be careful with these. Use only a cream specifically designed for the genital area, and stop using it immediately if you notice any irritation on your skin.
  • Laser hair removal. Pew pew! Buh-bye, shaft pubes. If your penis hairs bother you a lot, you can pay a former laser tag champion to shoot the hair follicles out (there are also at-home laser hair removal devices available). This can be very expensive, though.
  • Electrolysis. If lasers aren’t your bag, a specialist can use a needle thingy to remove the hairs from the follicles. This is just as time-consuming as it sounds, and because a full electrolysis treatment sometimes takes 20+ sessions, the costs can mount.

Is penis waxing just for the shaft or everything else?

Penis waxing is whatever you want it to be, baby.

Well, that’s a lie. It generally has to involve waxing in the vicinity of the penis. As long as it ticks those two boxes, though, it’s penis waxing.

Unlike vulva waxing, in which a customer can ask for many well-known styles, from a landing strip to a little bushy heart shape, penis waxing hasn’t yet been standardized.

Balls and shafts are new, wild frontiers for the modern wax enthusiast. Penis waxing is becoming more popular each year, but there still isn’t a consensus on what it does or doesn’t involve.

If you ask your wang-waxer for a wang wax, they’ll probably ask you if you just mean your wang wang or your balls-and-taint-and-wang wang. You can then tell them your preference. Whether you want just a smooth shaft or the smooth balls to match is entirely your preference.

It depends.

There’s no hard and fast rule on penis waxing price. If you’re happy to have Barbara who does your Aunt Susan’s legs come by and have a go at it, it’ll be cheaper than booking time in a salon. A professional waxing session could cost anywhere from $50 to $300+.

Home waxing kits vary in price but usually range from $25 to $100. If you’re not an experienced waxer, though, we don’t recommend trying to wax your own todger.

Going to your penis waxer is basically the same as going to your barber… except that you’ve got your penis out. It’s just two people having a conversation while one of them attempts hair-related upkeep on the other.

There are no code words or subtle ways to ask for a penis wax. It’s not on the secret menu like a Quadruple Big Mac. Just ask politely for a penis wax or, if you’re shy, an intimate male wax.

Once you’re in there getting your short-and-curlies removed, the do’s and don’ts are real easy to follow.

Say the stuff you’d usually say to somebody who isn’t putting hot wax on your penis — or say nothing at all. Any work-friendly conversations you normally have with people in non-penis situations are absolutely fine.

Remember, most pro waxers are experienced. They know you may be a little shy if it’s your first time, and they’re probably quite good at small talk to break the ice.

As for what to do, they’ll tell you. Just lie there, follow the instructions, and “enjoy” your penis waxing.

The main thing is not to ask for a hand job, a happy ending, or anything else that isn’t strictly related to removing hair from your penis. It’s literally illegal.

The person waxing your penis is doing their job. Therapists, massage therapists, and all other kinds of professionals who may come into contact with your genitals have a right to do the strictly cosmetic or medical things you pay them for without some creep asking to climax in their hand.

In fact, as a general rule, if it’s the kind of thing you’d normally say to somebody who’s touching your penis, don’t say it to your penis waxer. There’s a very big difference between somebody touching your penis because they want to and somebody touching it because it’s their job.

So here’s the 411 on penis waxing.

Penis waxing is a thing. It hurts, but it leaves your penis smoother than Mom’s new boyfriend’s jazz collection. Penises hurt more than most body parts to wax because they’re full of nerve endings.

Penis waxing can go badly if you don’t know what you’re doing, so we don’t recommend trying it at home. There are alternatives to waxing if you want aerodynamic genitals.

Literally never try to turn a penis waxing (or any professional grooming) session into a sexual thing. It’s creepy and also illegal.