Congratulations! You’ve had a baby! Took long enough, didn’t it? Pregnancy can feel like an eternity, and even more so when your formerly totally decent sex life has ground to a halt.
There are reasons for that, of course. For some, pregnancy hormones just make life miserable, and the last thing you want is some sweaty so-and-so climbing on top of you. For others, the thought of having someone’s face down in your naughty bits when you can’t even see them yourself is just… not pleasant.
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And then there’s that fun, doctor-prescribed rule: “pelvic rest.” That’s when you’re basically not allowed to have any sex of any kind, even if it’s all by your lonesome, because even one tiny orgasm can cause you to go into preterm labor. It’s pretty terrible (I speak from personal, formerly extremely-frustrated experience).
But now that the baby is out and you’ve had some time to heal, your partner is giving you the eye. They’re dropping hints. They’re even taking on primary parenting duties in the hopes of wooing your panties off, and it’s working! Except that now there’s some hesitation. Some panic, even. Don’t worry. We’ve all been there. Trust that you’ll have the following thoughts in some form or other come and go before doing the deed, but that eventually, it will all work out. Probably.
1. Wait, you want to do what with me?
I’m not exactly in my prime right now. And I’m tired. SO TIRED.
2. No, hell no. Get away. The baby’s diaper just exploded. I am in NO mood.
It may take some time before you can even consider wanting sex. This is perfectly OK. Your partner needs to be understanding of this (and if they’re ever not being understanding, just fling a diaper at them).
3. Hrm. Well, I guess it HAS been a while…
One day, though, your hormones will shift a bit. You’ll suddenly remember that your vagina enjoyed being used for something other than baby-making at one point.
4. Do I even remember how to do this anymore?
You totally do. It’s somewhere in the back, between a college archaeology lecture and your first memories of ice skating. Dig for it.
5. Well, I guess you are lookin’ pretty fly when you’re taking care of that baby right.
Tell your partner to keep putting that baby to sleep and maybe you really can do this.
6. Yeah, OK, let’s do this!
Ooh, looks like your libido finally kicked in.
7. Whoa, slow down, I’m still a little tender.
Healing takes so damn long. It really isn’t fair. Just take it easy.
8. Can we turn the lights out, please?
We all have this thought: There’s no need for anyone to see any of this right now, yeah? Maybe in a few more weeks.
9. Where’d that lube go? No, not the diaper cream.
Seriously, make sure to always have plenty of lube nearby, especially at first.
10. It’s just like riding a bicycle! Wait, no. Ow. OW!
Sometimes a position might start off OK, but only for a little while. Keep remembering the lube and keep reminding your partner: Slow and steady wins the race.
11. OK, let’s try this one more time. I think I’ve got it now.
Really, all it takes is some persistence and maybe a little inspiration. Don’t be afraid to get creative if things aren’t exactly working out at first. Toys. Videos. Role-play. A new environment.
12. Ah, crap. Is that the baby?
Oh, did you forget you weren’t alone anymore?
13. How on earth did I go that long without sex again?
So glad to be back.
Priscilla Blossom is a Denver-based freelance writer specializing in travel, parenting, health and wellness, pop culture, and entertainment. On her off time, she’s obsessing over television, practicing yoga, or blogging. Connect with her on Twitter, Instagram, or Facebook.