We include products we think are useful for our readers. If you buy through links on this page, we may earn a small commission. Here’s our process.

Greatist only shows you brands and products that we stand behind.

Our team thoroughly researches and evaluates the recommendations we make on our site. To establish that the product manufacturers addressed safety and efficacy standards, we:
  • Evaluate ingredients and composition: Do they have the potential to cause harm?
  • Fact-check all health claims: Do they align with the current body of scientific evidence?
  • Assess the brand: Does it operate with integrity and adhere to industry best practices?
We do the research so you can find trusted products for your health and wellness.
Was this helpful?

Threesomes can be thrilling. That’s why they’re a common fantasy. But bringing a third person in on sexy time can also change relationship dynamics.

Attempting a three-way doesn’t necessarily mean you’re courting catastrophe. It can definitely open the door for things to get weird or go wrong, though.

But as long as you’re both all in, you’ve built a solid foundation of trust and communication, and you all respect the safety of everyone involved, threesomes can be a whole new way to expand your sexual repertoire.

Here’s how to decide if a threesome is right for you and, if it is, how to go about it.

Things can quickly get uncomfortable if your relationship isn’t stable, you aren’t clear on why you want to bring someone else onboard, or you don’t take the time to get on the same page with your partner — and your third wheel.

Let’s be real: “Threesomes have the potential to change a relationship forever,” says sex therapist Vanessa Marin. It’s crucial to remember that there’s no going back once you witness your partner having sex with someone else, she adds.

So take some careful steps before giving the idea a green light.

Have a serious talk

Before you even begin to look for a third player, you need to be crystal clear with yourself — and your partner — about why you want to have a threesome in the first place, says Paul Joannides, PsyD, author of “The Guide to Getting It On.”

Do you share a fantasy you feel safe exploring together? Are you equally comfortable with trying a tri? Or is one of you doing it just to please the other — or to fish the relationship out of the toilet?

Clarifying why you want to participate in a threesome not only helps you find the right number three but can also help you feel more grounded going into the endeavor — and thus less likely to feel badly if things don’t pan out as you’d hoped, Joannides says.

If you’re doing the deed only for your partner’s pleasure or even to spice up a stale connection, stop right there, he adds.

If issues are already present in your relationship, a threesome could shine a spotlight on them. Plus, there are numerous ways couples can get kinky without roping in the complexity of another person.

Think through your threesome fantasies and nightmares

It’s almost impossible not to feel pangs of jealousy at some point during a threesome, Marin says.

Anticipate the worst-case scenarios — such as, say, seeing your partner look longingly into a third wheel’s eyes in that special way you thought they only gazed at you.

To prevent yourself from flipping out when everyone’s clothes are off, Marin recommends visualizing the whole event beforehand. “Imagine your partner making out with or touching another person. Or what they might look like getting someone else off.”

Entertain the possibility that you or your significant other might fall for the third person.

“Talk to your partner ahead of time about some of the things you hope will go right and some of the things that could go wrong,” Joannides says. “This way, if surprises happen, you and your partner will be better prepared to deal with them.”

Can’t handle any of the above situations? It may not be the right time — or right relationship — for embarking on a threesome.

Still curious (and secure) enough to invite a third? A few guidelines can help ensure maximum satisfaction and minimal drama for all parties involved.

Apps like 3nder specialize in threesome connections. And some regular dating sites have options for polyamorous couples looking for ways to recruit another partner.

Whether you’re seeking someone online or off, it’s probably good to avoid friends and former lovers, Joannides advises.

No need to reopen lingering wounds from previously broken arrangements — or make things irreversibly awkward with a pal because you’ll never unsee their “O” face.

Also, make sure you and your partner are feeling sexual chemistry with the third wheel, Joannides says. A threesome is not going to be enjoyable for everyone if there’s one person who’s just not into it.

If possible, consider grabbing coffee or a bite with your third before jumping into three-way action to ensure there’s a good rapport.

Boundaries are crucial when venturing into the territory of group sex, Marin says. Unfortunately, this is the part many people skip. Your threesome fantasy may vastly differ from the images your partner has in their mind.

Who is allowed to have intercourse with, make out with, or provide oral and manual stimulation to whom?

“Discuss with your partner what you’re OK with and what’s off-limits,” Joannides says. Absolutely talk to your third party in advance regarding their consent for specific activities.

In some cases, preferences may mean intercourse is totally off-limits. One person may actually want only to observe. Or you and your partner could just be craving an audience for your sexual adventures.

Whatever your thing(s), no preference large or small should be left unvoiced. Communication helps prevent everyone from getting hurt.

“And once you’re in the moment, make sure you respect the boundaries that you set in place beforehand,” Marin says.

“In the event you’re really unsure about what you’d like to do,” adds Joannides, “it’s probably not the best time for a threesome.”

Threesomes can backfire in plenty of ways. That’s why safety precautions should be in place pre-foreplay.

For example, if your third player is a stranger, get a hotel room rather than invite the person to your pad. And avoid drugs and alcohol so everyone has a clear head and consent is absolutely explicit.

Also, remember the importance of protection. Never assume someone is clear of sexually transmitted infections (STIs).

Keep plenty of condoms and tons of lube nearby, recommends Joannides. Switch condoms when transitioning from penetration of one partner to another or from the back entry to the front door.

It should go without saying that anyone involved in a threesome — or any sexual activity, for that matter — has the right to stop at any time, for whatever reason, Marin says.

To make it easier for everyone, the couple and third must have a safe word, she explains, as well as a plan for what to do if things get hella weird.

Does “doorstopper” mean the third party has to leave? That everyone needs to pause and cuddle? Or that one person involved just needs a break?

The plan will differ depending on who’s involved, says Marin, but everyone needs to know what to expect when the safe word is spoken.

“A lot of couples can be so focused on their relationship and their own boundaries that they neglect thinking about the third person,” Marin says.

Be sure to listen to your third’s boundaries and needs as well, Joannides says. This includes being mindful of how they will get home.

Also, don’t forget to show them some appreciation after the fact. Even if you don’t intend to repeat the experience, Joannides says, consider sending flowers, a card, or a grateful text, email, or phone call.

After the action, have a one-on-one chat with your partner to compare your individual takes on how things went down. Keeping the lines of communication open about your adventure can help make sure you both feel confident and secure.

Plus, if you ever attempt a sequel, a chat can help you set up fresh ground rules for future fun.