Listen folks, no amount of late-night pleasure is worth the cringe-inducing moment of your roommate asking, with a smirk, the next morning, “So, did they **** you like that’s what they were born to do?”
Learn from my mistakes. If your housemate is home or your walls are thinner than my neighbors’ patience for my moans of pleasure, master the skill of expressing your pleasure, quietly!
Don’t worry, quiet sex ≠ less good sex. Think of turning down the volume a notch as a way to liberate the self-conscious.
“Quiet sex can actually be especially hot because of the adrenaline rush that accompanies having to be quiet,” says Lisa Finn, a sex educator at sex toy emporium Babeland.
We interviewed sexperts for suggestions on how to have quiet sex — and their tips? Phew, prove it. No more going into sexy time, constantly worried about what your neighbor will think.
Any position where your bodies are very close together will cut down on the ball and vulva beats — or vulva/vulva synchronization, depending on how you like to jam.
“Positions like spooning, sidecar 69, and lotus help eliminate the sounds that happen when two bodies collide,” says Finn. Yep, that might mean doggy-style is sidelined until the roomie’s outta town.
Yeah slurping and slapping noises are gonna happen, but generally that’s not what the roomie is hearing. It’s the bed creaking and wall bumping that’s got them on alert.
“If your bed is the chief noisemaker, you’ll have to get creative,” says Finn. So, why not take it to the floor? You can make a nest of pillows and blankets, then get playing. “Even if you do the same positions you’d normally do on the bed, on the ground, they’ll feel more adventurous.”
Alternatively: “Simply throw some pillows behind the headboard to dampen the knocking,” says clinical sexologist Dr. Megan Stubbs, Ed.D.
Or, because we know that’s the case with some of you who fit the straight men stereotype: invest in a new bed frame or a spring-free mattress.
Thought spy games were just for kids? They’re for horny adults, too.
“Pretend you’re a top secret undercover agent and the only way to obtain enemy secrets is to have orgasms — but the alarms go off if your lovemaking goes above a certain decibel level!” suggests sex expert Billy Procida, host of The Manwhore Podcast.
Or, simply compete to see who can be the quietest for the longest, he says. Not only will this be F-U-N, but it can also be ~seriously intimate~.
“When something feels good you’ll have to communicate that in other ways, like looking into each others eyes and smiling,” he says.
Schedule your kink on
Don’t get it twisted: wanting to have quieter sex is a bad reason to experiment with kinkier sex. But (!) if you’ve been wanting to experiment with ball-gag, hand-over-mouth, and handkerchief play, shushing your shrieks can be a perk of breath and noise control play.
Before trying this, Finn reminds us to do your homework on how to safely experiment and establish boundaries and a non-verbal safe cue with your partner.
Sorry, Motorbunny and Hitachi, but you gotta go. Keep it down with vibes that don’t sound like mini lawnmowers.
The shower head may be your BFF for solo-sex, but it should be for quiet sex, too — the water will help drown out your sounds.
Sexpert tip: “Because water can wash away your natural lubricant and create uncomfortable friction, add a silicone-based lube which won’t wash away as quickly in the water,” suggests Finn.
Just remember that silicone-based lube isn’t compatible with silicone toys, so if you’re bringing a (water-proof!!) silicone toy in with you, use a water-based lube instead.
The shower is a great place to take doggy-style out of the dog house. “Standing doggy style gives the partner being penetrated the opportunity to hold onto the wall for support,” says Finn. Ain’t nothing quiet about slipping and falling.
Regardless of whether or not you’re lusting for louder lovemaking, Finn suggests talking with your housemates or roommates about what kind of sex noises are (and aren’t) allowed in your space.
“Even if it’s unintentional, if someone can hear you having sex, they become part of that sexual scene — so their consent in hearing you have sex important,” says Finn.
If you’re boo-ed up, that means you shouldn’t have loud sex with them home, unless that’s allowed within your established House Rules™.
You can also give your housemate a heads up when sex is going down, so they know when to don some noise-blocking headphones and preoccupy themselves with Friends reruns, or GTFO of the house.
It’s also within reason to request having the house to yourself for an hour so you and your boo can moan as loud as you want. As Procida says, “Remember: You pay rent to live there, too.”
Gabrielle Kassel is a New York-based sex and wellness writer and CrossFit Level 1 Trainer. Follow her on Instagram.