When it comes to flirting, everyone has different techniques that work for them. Seduction isn’t a one-size-fits-all type of situation, and what one person finds sexy might be a major turnoff for someone else (and vice-versa). But here are some classic seduction techniques that rarely (read: never) result in romance.

1. The eyebrow game

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Are you trying to get me in bed or make me nauseated?

2. The suggestive dance

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Unless you’ve got the dance floor grace of Zoe Kravitz in Big Little Lies, “Do you like my moves?” probably isn’t going to work.

3. Dripping with water

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It’s not really sexy, just cold and wet. And water’s like the anti-lube, too, so even if things go well… they can’t go THAT well.

4. The sexy hair flip

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Not even Alicia Silverstone can get this one right.

5. The flirty wink

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I… are you OK? Did you just have a stroke?

6. Asking rapid-fire questions

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Just because it’s framed as an interrogative doesn’t mean it’ll start a conversation.

7. The lip lick

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Are you suitably enticed? You should be. I found a Cheetos crumb.

8. Whipped cream in all the wrong places

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It melts so fast.

9. Coming on too strong

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Let the tension build, friend.

Amy Mackelden is currently developing a show called MS Is My Boyfriend, about what multiple sclerosis is really like. Follow her on Twitter @AmyMackelden.