Reading: Who has time for it, right? With loads of new information cropping up about which foods are best for your body, and by choosing not to read current research, it’s nearly impossible to know which foods should actually be a staple in your diet. So we’ve done the seemingly impossible and composed a tiny list of healthy foods (since no publication has done this before) so you can finally know once and for all the five foods you need to eat every single day to become your healthiest you. (Seriously, if you’re not eating these foods, you should be, no matter who you are, what you do, and whether you have serious food sensitivities!!).

If you’re not eating these foods, you should be, no matter who you are, what you do, and whether you have serious food sensitivities!!

Plus, you’ve probably eaten these foods before, or may even be eating them already, or could potentially be adding them regularly into your diet. So now you’ll know they are actually incredibly healthy for you, and you can bask in the self-righteous glory of being the healthiest person in your friend group. (Be sure to lord it over them and anyone else who will listen—cashiers at the grocery checkout, baristas at the coffee shop, you name it; they all love hearing this stuff—that’s the best part of eating healthy!!).

In no particular order and without regard for your personal health history, these are THE five foods you should be eating every day for the rest of your life forever:

1. Salmon

We all know that fat is generally to be avoided at all costs. But salmon is one exception, because it’s chock full of something called omagawd-3-fatty acids (or “healthy fats”), which research suggests can reduce the risk of cardiovascular diseaseFatty fish, marine omega-3 fatty acids, and incidence of heart failture. Levitan, E, Wolk, A, et al. atty fish, marine omega-3 fatty acids, and incidence of heart failure. Levitan, E, Wolk A, et al . European Journal of Clinical Nutrition, Jun 2010; 64(6): 587–594. Purchase a pre-packed salmon sushi roll at the nearest grocery store (be sure to pick out all the rice—empty carbs!) or head to your local stream and catch one yourself.

2. Blueberries

This super fruit is packed with never-before-heard-of molecules—antioxidantsthat can lower blood pressure, speed up metabolism, and turn you into Katniss EverdeenHabitual intake of flavonoid subclasses and incident hypertension in adults. Cassidy, A., O’Reilly, ÉJ., Kay, C., et al. School of Medicine, University of East Anglia, Norwich, United Kingdom. The American Journal of Clinical Nutrition 2011 Feb;93(2):338-47.. Go crazy and use them to top a bowl of oatmeal (just be sure to work out super hard later, because those extra calories won’t burn themselves).

3. Greek Yogurt

If you want to flatten your tummy (who doesn’t?), look no further than the dairy aisle. Greek yogurt is a new trend (with small companies like Chobani and Fage just beginning to emerge) that may replace your ol’ squeezable favorites. Greek yogurt tends to be tangier, more expensive, and not as tastyThe effects of increased dietary protein yogurt snack in the afternoon on appetite control and eating initiation in healthy women. LC, Ortinau, LC, Culp, JM, Hoertel, HA, et al. Nutrition Journal, 2013 Jun 6;12(1):71. But you’re worth it.

Greek yogurt tends to be tangier, more expensive, and not as tasty. But you’re worth it.

4. Almonds

A handful of almonds (like… one or two nuts) is the perfect salty solution when that midday hunger strikes. Filled with protein, potassium, and fiber, almonds help boost energy between meals. Just be careful of serving size—each nut contains six HUGE calories. One serving can turn into three or four before you know it, so we recommend going for a portion-controlled Almond Joy or almond crossaint.

5. Kale

Kale is a newly discovered leafy green that not even the healthy living bloggers have heard of. It has something to do with dinosaurs and is decently chock-full of antioxidants, fiber, calcium, iron, Vitamin K, Vitamin A, Vitamin C, Vitamin B6, Vitamin E, Vitamin B1, Vitamin B3, copper, manganese, omagawd-3 fats, phosphorus, protein, folate, carotenoids, flavonoids, oxalates, isothiocyanates, and dinosaurs. Use kale as the base of your next salad, use it to fan yourself when it gets hot, or add it to a green juice. Just remember: One green juice = two full meals. You shouldn’t be hungry again until dinner time!

Bonus! Semen

Bonus material! If you’re looking for something to kick that late-night sweet tooth, look no further than your partner’s penis (… assuming your partner has a penis). Semen contains between five and 25 tiny calories per serving and is packed with a bit of protein, making this the guilt-free, superfood solution people tend to overlook. Make it part of your healthy diet today.

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Disclaimer: This article, along with all others posted on April 1st, is meant to poke fun at articles you might read elsewhere (or at least close to them). Read more about our reasoning behind this little practical joke here. Happy April Fools’ Day!