Disclaimer: This article, along with all others posted on April 1st, is meant to poke fun at articles you might read elsewhere (or at least close to them). Greatist doesn’t actually recommend any of the tips included. Read more about our reasoning behind this little practical joke here. Happy April Fools’ Day!

Ever been in the situation when you’ve needed to look better naked in a short period of time? Ugh, tell us about it. If closing your eyes and getting rid of your mirror isn’t an option, then forget torturous juice cleanses and tedious six-week ab programs — here’s the ultimate handy-dandy list of tips and tricks to looking better in nearly no time.

1. Dim the lights. Ever since Joel Spira invented the electric light dimmer, this tried and true technique is obviously considered the go-to for looking considerably hotter FAST. Can’t imagine why else Joel would have invented it! Plus, in the ideal scenario, this could take just two claps. CLAP ON and you’re regular ‘ol you, but CLAP OFF and you’re INSTA-SEXY.

2. Get a tan. Studies suggest people with tans, even artificial ones, are considered more attractiveHot or not — evaluating the effect of artificial tanning on the public’s perception of attractiveness. Chung, V.Q., Gordon, J.S., Veledar, E., et al. Vanguard Dermatology and Skin Cancer Specialists, Colorado Springs, Colorado. Dermatologic Surgery, 2010 Nov;36(11):1651-5.. Need a quick beauty boost? Purchase some tanning spray or bronzer and remember — as with all good things — the more, the better.

3. Surround Yourself with Larger/Uglier/Less Good Looking Naked People. This one may be easier said than done but, with some work and talent scouting, can be readily accomplished if you truly put your heart in to it. Assemble the right crew and you’re done… except for the whole naked part. (Worried that hopping into bed with these less-attractive people will be tough? Take a hint from Tip #4 and start ordering tequila shots.)

4. Force-feed your partner tequila shots. It’s scientific fact that tequila can cure a cold, but it can also help you look better naked. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and if, say, the beholder is too wasted to see straight, it’s simply amazing how beautiful things can be. So consider starting a round of “Tequila Goggles,” play the first 30 seconds of this song, and become more attractive as the shots rack up!

5. Wear 3D Glasses.Buy a few at Target or just steal them from a late-night showing of Journey to the Center of the Earth 2 3D, and you’ve just come up with a creative solution to your problem. It won’t make you look better naked, but it will definitely help you lookdifferent.

Don’t have 30 seconds? Here are some bonus tricks to try for extra good-looking nakedness in an instant. For one, stay under the covers. Two, blindfold your partner — works like a charm. If all else fails, stay completely stationary and don’t let anything jiggle.